If you treat them like dirt, they will stick to you like mud...otherwise known as why nice guys finish last. I was talking to my friend Pat, and as always lately, the subject of my column came up. Be it someone wondering what this is all about, or screaming at me that I haven't posted yet. Either way I seem to have captured some hearts and minds, and trust me, I am happy about that.
I was talking to Pat, and he mentioned to me something that had been on his mind for a while. He told me, "Toine, why don't you talk about how nice guys finish last" Now this was something that perplexed me to no end. I have spent the better part of the last few days thinking about this very phenomenon. You see, I think of myself as a pretty nice guy, but I am in no way shape or form finishing last. I might not be first, but I can't think of a single area of life where I am not satisfied with how things are going.
In order to write well, one must perform a bit of research, and so I embarked on a quest of sorts to work this nice guy conundrum out. The first question actually provided many answers. When I asked around to a few nice guys, the only area they seemed to be lacking in was their careers and with the ladies. At this stage of the game, it is too early for us to consider ourselves failures in business (but based on my natural predilection towards slacking off, I'd say I'm halfway there), so these "Nice Guys" must only be focused on the lack of females they're getting. That doesn't seem too nice to me at all.
When I spoke to one of my female friends (the best source for information on why some guys strike out), I found a precious little nugget of knowledge. Nice guys don't finish last. Her words exactly were "arrogant assholes, or whiny pussies finish last". How can you not fall in love with a girl who could make a sailor blush?
So boys, if you think you're nice, you're not, because girls like nice guys. Here are the reasons you're finishing last.
You're arrogant
When you were a little boy, you were a bit quicker than everyone else at the sandbox, and parents seemed to think this was a notable achievement. You did however get your teeth kicked in by the big dumber kids, who probably would have been friends with you if you weren't too busy telling them how much better you were than them. Apparently getting your ass handed to you at 7 hasn't sunk in yet, so you still spend most of your time telling people (and now possible lust interests) how much better you are than everyone, simply because you used to be smart. If you were still smart...you would have gotten a clue by now. But you didn't and so the only ass that will ever be handed to you, will be your own.
You're a pussy
You're a gentleman, that's what your mother says. You give women their space, and allow them to see you for the good person you are. They'll come to you eventually right? How's that been working for you? Not so great. That's because you're not as good as you think. You just started a job where you don't wear a name tag, or you are still wearing that name tag (minimum wage does not have the same drawing power it did during the great depression). You still live with your parents, and as much space as your mom and pops give you, and how your basement is "basically like an apartment just without a kitchen, or a bathroom", and how people could sleep over as much as they want "as long as it's during the weekend" odds are, girls just need a bit of prodding to see that gem that you think you are. That's why God invented sweet talking. And the fact that women fall for it, is proof that God is a man.
Fortune favors the bold. In order to gain anything in life, you need to get out and go for it. These sound like corny after school special maxims, but in the end it's true. You might be a nice guy, but if you don't show girls a reason to want you, they won't. And if all you show them is sweet, nice and non-threatening, all they'll want is to be your friend. Friends are nice...lovers are mean, in a nice way. It might sound crazy but if I was wrong, then the concepts of rough sex, and songs like "Hurt so good" wouldn't exist
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Thursday, March 1, 2007
All Good Things...
All good things come to an end. Be they relationships, or the Cell Call Chronicles. At the request of the luxuriously lavish Livvy, I discussed the etiqutte for phone calling during the beginning of a relationship. As a logical progression I moved onto the rules of engagement for couples in a steady relationship, and now as a prime example of my Psychotic need for closure, I will end on how to arrange phonecalls for people you have broken up with.
I suppose the first rule would be, if you broke up with them, don't fucking call them. It's bad enough that you made a decision for them on their relationship status, but now you're pouring salt in the wounds by checking up on them. You broke up with them because you didn't want to be with them anymore, so leave them the fuck alone.
This is a crime more often than not perpetrated by women. You seem to have this notion that you're able to remain friends after a relationship is over. You can't. And for all those girls out there who are saying, "I'm friends with some of my ex's", You're not. You probably don't see each other very often, and when you do it's probably really awkward. As a rule of thumb, if the guy you were last with has no problem that you're getting fucked by some other guy, then he's either gay, or...not straight.
If the person you're with broke up with you, don't call them...ever. Nothing says desperate better than calling someone that said they don't want to be with you anymore. Ladies you have better things to do than call the guy who needs his space. You can take that dance class you always wanted to do. Or you can take up Hot Yoga, it's just like regualr yoga, except I think only good looking people are allowed doing it (note: I know what Hot Yoag is, but that was the only way I could think to make a joke about it. Seriously it's fucking intense). Boyz, you have better things to do than call that Skeez that broke your heart (ok you're not crying it's dust in your eye. What's the "Not Gay" explanation for the song Gone by N'Sync playing in the background...Mo). You might not take dance classes, and you got too fat for yoga (spandex is NOT your friend), but you really should be investing your time trying to nail her friends. Now that might sound really petty and mean, and it fucking is, but your ex's friends are hot bro, and girls always back door their friends by doing shit like that (they're not down like the Boyz), so you might as well get back on that horse kid, or back on that whore, depending on how you look at it.
Now in the cases of these mutual break-ups (which to me are about as real as the tooth fairy, unicorns, and Dirk Diggler's wang...look it up people, Boogie Nights), why would you want to be calling the person anyways? You both came to the same realization that you don't want to hang out anymore, why would you celebrate that by talking to each other. What if he gets someone new? What if she does? Unless you have the lottery luck that you both get over it at the exact same time, odds are one of you is going to be crushed by the realization that he/she wasn't as into you as you were into them. It sucks, but it's true. Out of sight out of mind. If you are going to try and talk to them still, I suggest deleting them from your phone book in your cellphone anyways. Why you might ask, isn't that a little counter productive? Well no it's not, and stop asking such stupid fucking questions. Jokes, your questions are awesome...but seriously I explain everything eventually, so there's no need to ask anything until after the column is done.
Anyways, the point of deleting them is two fold. One, if after your deep relationship you don't know their phone number, odds are you shouldn't be talking to them anyways, so it takes them right out of the game. If you know their number dial and go, while you're dialing you have an extra few seconds to decide if hearing their voice is a good idea or not. Secondly, if you're shit faced you can't dial their whole number, even if you can dial speed dial 6 after like nine tries. Drunk dials are the worst, because you always call to accomplish a feat you are completely incapable of (an intelligent conversation, a rationalization as to why you should be together, or just plain sex. You can't do any of these things, and if you had good friends you'd never even have a phone in your hand anyways, you'd be too busy double fisting brews).
You're single, enjoy it!!! You can go wherever you want, with whomever you want (that's right ShermDog we can chill again). You can also randomly hit on every girl you see with the hopes of scoring. if this doesn't sound like a big difference from when you were attached...there's a reason you're single. Off to the Bar!
Cheers, first round's on...anyone but me!
I suppose the first rule would be, if you broke up with them, don't fucking call them. It's bad enough that you made a decision for them on their relationship status, but now you're pouring salt in the wounds by checking up on them. You broke up with them because you didn't want to be with them anymore, so leave them the fuck alone.
This is a crime more often than not perpetrated by women. You seem to have this notion that you're able to remain friends after a relationship is over. You can't. And for all those girls out there who are saying, "I'm friends with some of my ex's", You're not. You probably don't see each other very often, and when you do it's probably really awkward. As a rule of thumb, if the guy you were last with has no problem that you're getting fucked by some other guy, then he's either gay, or...not straight.
If the person you're with broke up with you, don't call them...ever. Nothing says desperate better than calling someone that said they don't want to be with you anymore. Ladies you have better things to do than call the guy who needs his space. You can take that dance class you always wanted to do. Or you can take up Hot Yoga, it's just like regualr yoga, except I think only good looking people are allowed doing it (note: I know what Hot Yoag is, but that was the only way I could think to make a joke about it. Seriously it's fucking intense). Boyz, you have better things to do than call that Skeez that broke your heart (ok you're not crying it's dust in your eye. What's the "Not Gay" explanation for the song Gone by N'Sync playing in the background...Mo). You might not take dance classes, and you got too fat for yoga (spandex is NOT your friend), but you really should be investing your time trying to nail her friends. Now that might sound really petty and mean, and it fucking is, but your ex's friends are hot bro, and girls always back door their friends by doing shit like that (they're not down like the Boyz), so you might as well get back on that horse kid, or back on that whore, depending on how you look at it.
Now in the cases of these mutual break-ups (which to me are about as real as the tooth fairy, unicorns, and Dirk Diggler's wang...look it up people, Boogie Nights), why would you want to be calling the person anyways? You both came to the same realization that you don't want to hang out anymore, why would you celebrate that by talking to each other. What if he gets someone new? What if she does? Unless you have the lottery luck that you both get over it at the exact same time, odds are one of you is going to be crushed by the realization that he/she wasn't as into you as you were into them. It sucks, but it's true. Out of sight out of mind. If you are going to try and talk to them still, I suggest deleting them from your phone book in your cellphone anyways. Why you might ask, isn't that a little counter productive? Well no it's not, and stop asking such stupid fucking questions. Jokes, your questions are awesome...but seriously I explain everything eventually, so there's no need to ask anything until after the column is done.
Anyways, the point of deleting them is two fold. One, if after your deep relationship you don't know their phone number, odds are you shouldn't be talking to them anyways, so it takes them right out of the game. If you know their number dial and go, while you're dialing you have an extra few seconds to decide if hearing their voice is a good idea or not. Secondly, if you're shit faced you can't dial their whole number, even if you can dial speed dial 6 after like nine tries. Drunk dials are the worst, because you always call to accomplish a feat you are completely incapable of (an intelligent conversation, a rationalization as to why you should be together, or just plain sex. You can't do any of these things, and if you had good friends you'd never even have a phone in your hand anyways, you'd be too busy double fisting brews).
You're single, enjoy it!!! You can go wherever you want, with whomever you want (that's right ShermDog we can chill again). You can also randomly hit on every girl you see with the hopes of scoring. if this doesn't sound like a big difference from when you were attached...there's a reason you're single. Off to the Bar!
Cheers, first round's on...anyone but me!
Middling Out
Hello People,
So the comments have started getting interesting, I don't publish all of them because frankly, I can't stand spelling mistakes. Now it's true that I make some from time to time while writing this, but have you seen the length of these posts? Also I review my own work and usually do this under the influence of something, so it's amazing that I'm actually posting them, and not just banging on my desk singing "I am typing" like Ralph Wiggum (if you don't get that reference I seriously can't help you).
I'm sorry about the lateness of this post, but i was too busy getting some lovin yesterday to write anything. But my evening did allow me to have a topic to discuss. That's right, today we're talking about how awesome girls who allow you to do them in the butt are. Just kidding (but seriously this Girly rocks all kinds).
On a more serious note (well as serious as this column is anyways), we'll be continuing on the Cell Call Chronicles. Yesterday's post had to do with the frequency of calls for a new relationship are. Apparently it wasn't super clear of what we believe your expectations are. To clarify, you want us to call you the next day. Odds are we're chilling with our Boyz the next day, so we're not going to do that. If it's been longer than three days and we call you back, you're probably just a booty call. Do with that what you will. And before you start clamoring, "He was being so nice, he's a jerk who was just trying to get into my pants," think that it might not be his fault. You see, while some guys are slick talkers, and they are just trying to bone you, others are just really well mannered. Blame our mothers for telling us to be polite and always say nice things, even if you don't like the person, because that's called being a gentleman.
Now let's take it for granted that you had your date, and despite both of your obvious personal flaws, there was still enough good intentions/drugs floating around to warrant him calling you back within a reasonable amount of time. This probably resulted in another date. Now if you did not see how much of a loser he was by now, and he hasn't figured out that under your shy neurotic exterior, there is a raging neurotic interior, then odds are you might just end up settling down as boyfriend and girlfriend. Congratulations!!! You are now middling out! The problems are over, communication should no longer be an issue and you're bound to get married and live happily ever after, like everyone does with their first serious boyfriend/girlfriend. I wish I could find a way to simulate the awkward silence that would ensue after making a comment like that, but I can't. We all know what I think of settling down (if not read the post on commitment), and apparently most people are in the same boat because I don't meet that many 20 something girls who have only been with one guy. As a matter of fact at this point, I have to say the girl is a "good girl" if she can count the ones she could remember on two hands (Because spring break totally doesn't count right Samantha?).
In any event, the phone calls should by all logic increase at this point, but please ladies don't push it. Guys are not big talkers, we do well face to face, with polite conversation, and some not so polite conversation, but please don't expect us to call every single day. And furthermore, if you're with a guy that can't even talk to you when you're right in front of him, then fucking leave him. There are enough guys that you can pick up that there's no reason for you to stick to cavemen. They're called breasts ladies, and they work like Gang busters when it comes to flirting with guys.
Case in point, I was on the bus yesterday with Girly. Now she lives in Montreal, but actually comes from the same small town as me, and as such has all her doctors and dentists back home. She had a dentsist appointment yesterday, and I was meeting her up afterwards. Now I had wrapped up some work early and I knew that if I stayed in the office I was going to be Jacked with more work to do. Obviously that wasn't going to happen, so I gave her a call and said, "it's cool hun I'll go to the dentist with you and wait in the waiting room while you're done, that way you don't have to take the bus into town by yourself at night." Now I am a nice guy, and I really don't like girls taking public transport alone at night, but it helped that I had also gotten a new book so sitting around reading wasn't a problem for me (win-win is the way to go).
After the dentist, we were on the bus and Girly was going into complete details about the checkup (I can't say I followed the whole thing, but I did catch the part where the dentist said Girly had a virginal mouth. I caught that part because I almost choked laughing. When Girly clicked as to why I was laughng she had a good little chuckle too. boy if that dentist only knew...). After the check-up story was done, a friend of mine had gotten on the bus and we started shooting the breeze. Now my Boyz are cool, so he didn't make mention to the fact that he had seen me a few weeks ago with a different girl, but Girly knows who I am, so she usually lets that shit slide...for now. He asked how long we had been together, and she looked at me with the sweetest expression I have ever seen and said, "How the fuck should I know, it's been like a month, but most of the time we're not focusing". I'm not going to lie, girls who make it look like I'm a stud in front of my friends make me like them a lot more.
My buddy went into his little sotry about how his girl dropped him on Valentines Day (fucking awkward, please people don't tell me stories like this, what can I say to that?), and went on to explain how I should keep my eye on her, keep tabs on her, and basically hound her to no end. To which Girly responded without missing a beat, "Toine doesn't do that, he calls when he has something to say, or has something he wants to do. Basically everytime I see his name on my phone, I know something good is about to happen. It's not about quantity dude, it's about quality" And I knew right then and there the reason why I get wasted with her more than anyone else. Take notes ladies, you don't need to see/speak every day, but every time you do it should be a great experience, and when we hit the bar or club you'll hear me yell
Cheers, first round's on...anyone but me!
So the comments have started getting interesting, I don't publish all of them because frankly, I can't stand spelling mistakes. Now it's true that I make some from time to time while writing this, but have you seen the length of these posts? Also I review my own work and usually do this under the influence of something, so it's amazing that I'm actually posting them, and not just banging on my desk singing "I am typing" like Ralph Wiggum (if you don't get that reference I seriously can't help you).
I'm sorry about the lateness of this post, but i was too busy getting some lovin yesterday to write anything. But my evening did allow me to have a topic to discuss. That's right, today we're talking about how awesome girls who allow you to do them in the butt are. Just kidding (but seriously this Girly rocks all kinds).
On a more serious note (well as serious as this column is anyways), we'll be continuing on the Cell Call Chronicles. Yesterday's post had to do with the frequency of calls for a new relationship are. Apparently it wasn't super clear of what we believe your expectations are. To clarify, you want us to call you the next day. Odds are we're chilling with our Boyz the next day, so we're not going to do that. If it's been longer than three days and we call you back, you're probably just a booty call. Do with that what you will. And before you start clamoring, "He was being so nice, he's a jerk who was just trying to get into my pants," think that it might not be his fault. You see, while some guys are slick talkers, and they are just trying to bone you, others are just really well mannered. Blame our mothers for telling us to be polite and always say nice things, even if you don't like the person, because that's called being a gentleman.
Now let's take it for granted that you had your date, and despite both of your obvious personal flaws, there was still enough good intentions/drugs floating around to warrant him calling you back within a reasonable amount of time. This probably resulted in another date. Now if you did not see how much of a loser he was by now, and he hasn't figured out that under your shy neurotic exterior, there is a raging neurotic interior, then odds are you might just end up settling down as boyfriend and girlfriend. Congratulations!!! You are now middling out! The problems are over, communication should no longer be an issue and you're bound to get married and live happily ever after, like everyone does with their first serious boyfriend/girlfriend. I wish I could find a way to simulate the awkward silence that would ensue after making a comment like that, but I can't. We all know what I think of settling down (if not read the post on commitment), and apparently most people are in the same boat because I don't meet that many 20 something girls who have only been with one guy. As a matter of fact at this point, I have to say the girl is a "good girl" if she can count the ones she could remember on two hands (Because spring break totally doesn't count right Samantha?).
In any event, the phone calls should by all logic increase at this point, but please ladies don't push it. Guys are not big talkers, we do well face to face, with polite conversation, and some not so polite conversation, but please don't expect us to call every single day. And furthermore, if you're with a guy that can't even talk to you when you're right in front of him, then fucking leave him. There are enough guys that you can pick up that there's no reason for you to stick to cavemen. They're called breasts ladies, and they work like Gang busters when it comes to flirting with guys.
Case in point, I was on the bus yesterday with Girly. Now she lives in Montreal, but actually comes from the same small town as me, and as such has all her doctors and dentists back home. She had a dentsist appointment yesterday, and I was meeting her up afterwards. Now I had wrapped up some work early and I knew that if I stayed in the office I was going to be Jacked with more work to do. Obviously that wasn't going to happen, so I gave her a call and said, "it's cool hun I'll go to the dentist with you and wait in the waiting room while you're done, that way you don't have to take the bus into town by yourself at night." Now I am a nice guy, and I really don't like girls taking public transport alone at night, but it helped that I had also gotten a new book so sitting around reading wasn't a problem for me (win-win is the way to go).
After the dentist, we were on the bus and Girly was going into complete details about the checkup (I can't say I followed the whole thing, but I did catch the part where the dentist said Girly had a virginal mouth. I caught that part because I almost choked laughing. When Girly clicked as to why I was laughng she had a good little chuckle too. boy if that dentist only knew...). After the check-up story was done, a friend of mine had gotten on the bus and we started shooting the breeze. Now my Boyz are cool, so he didn't make mention to the fact that he had seen me a few weeks ago with a different girl, but Girly knows who I am, so she usually lets that shit slide...for now. He asked how long we had been together, and she looked at me with the sweetest expression I have ever seen and said, "How the fuck should I know, it's been like a month, but most of the time we're not focusing". I'm not going to lie, girls who make it look like I'm a stud in front of my friends make me like them a lot more.
My buddy went into his little sotry about how his girl dropped him on Valentines Day (fucking awkward, please people don't tell me stories like this, what can I say to that?), and went on to explain how I should keep my eye on her, keep tabs on her, and basically hound her to no end. To which Girly responded without missing a beat, "Toine doesn't do that, he calls when he has something to say, or has something he wants to do. Basically everytime I see his name on my phone, I know something good is about to happen. It's not about quantity dude, it's about quality" And I knew right then and there the reason why I get wasted with her more than anyone else. Take notes ladies, you don't need to see/speak every day, but every time you do it should be a great experience, and when we hit the bar or club you'll hear me yell
Cheers, first round's on...anyone but me!
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