Things I have said recently that may explain why I'm not allowed near my grand parents anymore

I am the worst grand-son on the planet. This is mostly because I sort of hate my grand-parents. They never really did anything to me, but they never really did anything for me either. I hear about my friends whose grandparents bought them trips to Europe when they graduated from high school, or gave them $5000 dollars for their Bat Mitzvah, whereas my grand-parents constantly ask me what grade I'm in, and whenever they manage to give me 50 bucks (which is always in coin-form rolled up in a pathetic "we saved this up from all of our change all year kind of way" that always makes me angry because honestly go get a fucking job and get some paper cash together. Isn't Wal-Mart always hiring you people) I practically have to give my Grand-Father a hand-job. Granted this comes back to the Jesus Parable about the rich man giving a fortune to the church, and the poor man giving one coin when he only had two. I have friends with rich grandparents and mine are poor, so their gift while smaller is from the heart, so should be more appreciated. Fine whatever, thanks for the spare change, I'm sure the hooker I solicit later with a few rolls of quarters will love it all the same. My real gripe with my grand-parents, the thing that makes me despise them above all other things is my nagging suspicion that beneath all of the smiles and vacant expressions, they might not be now, nor have they ever been good people. It's like a 90 year-old Hitler. I am sure that he might give me scraps of news-papers now that he thinks I might like, and might even give me a candy from time to time, but that doesn't make him a decent fellow, and definitely not someone I should get up for at 7 in the morning on a Sunday to go see. I figure my grandparents aren't good people, because frankly, I see the job they did on my parents.

So in a passive aggressive attempt to not see my grand-parents, I make these crazy statements, to make my parents so wary of bringing me anywhere near the elderly that my Sundays are free to do what god intended, do drugs and have the freaky kind of sex where a platypus might come out of the mix. Se now that last sentence is nothing that I have ever said to my parents, but you get the idea of why they never let me near old people, small children or open flames. Here are a few others.

Why the fuck do I need to come here? It's not like she even knows who I am. Why don't we just lie to her, tell her that we came last week, and put the phone on the table while she cries for 20 minutes about how lonely she is.

No Grandma, it's not cold in here, it's August. You're probably just dying inside.

No Grandpa I don't want to hear the story about how you had to wear cardboard in your shoes to cover the holes during the great depression. Frankly any story about the Great depression is well...depressing. I look at what you have become and get an idea about how shitty your life has been.

Mom, why do you feed me this bullshit about how bad drugs are when Grandma and Grandpa are so fucking spaced on their "medicine" that Grandpa just pissed himself and Grand-Ma is eating a potholder?

Dad, why did you always tell me how important it is to always tell the truth, when grand-ma is 81 and still has red hair, and grand-pa pretended to be a gay Canadian to avoid WW2? What you mean he wasn't pretending anything? Why does he dress like that then.

And my personal favorite

I know why you're so tired Pappy. I believe that god judges us for everything we do in life, and if I was you I would be so scared of the fire in hell that I wouldn't be able to sleep very well either. Oh well, at least I'm a good person, Good Night!


20:1 says I am not going to be in anybodies will. I'd take that bet, cash.

it's not hell if we can't all go together

It's better to have

I have become a free-for-all philosopher of sorts for you all, and could not be happier with this development. Whether it is because you desire my input, or desire to give some form of direction to my madness, it doesn't bother me, I am happy to discuss whatever comes up.

A comment I got recently form someone named "You-Know-Who" (which I find ironic because I have no idea who they are) asked if I thought it was better to regret something that you had done, or something that you thought you should have done but never did.

This is a loaded question of course because it burns you down to the core of who you are. It is my belief that there are two types of people out there, and they each have their own kind of regret. There are the planners, who look out into the future, see the possible courses of their actions, and act accordingly. These people tend to look before they leap, and often end up regretting having not taken the plunge more often.

Then there are the doers. These people act on instinct. Planning is impossible for these brash go-getters. They usually get burned, because they never seem to realize that that orange warm thing is actually a flame. Obviously they are more likely to regret something they have done.


I am something of an anomaly. I look into the future, see the path that is fraught with painful possibilities, and walk down it anyways. I do this because most of life is destiny in my eyes, but because I can't see it coming, it just seems like luck. Because you never know what is coming, i think it is best to try everything you can, and not worry too much about the consequences.

I'm a romantic at heart, so let us go back to Shakespeare. It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.


I think that sums up my life.