I'm down for being the Wingman

I was talking to my buddy Bramo. A lot of my entries are going to begin like this, because well I talk to him about the most interesting things. I don't want to be one of these Emo people who write about how sweeping their floor made them sad..because the dust is DYING. I will only write when i have something interesting to say.

So I was talking to my buddy Bramo, and for some reason or another the concept of being a wingman came up. For those who don't know what a wingman is, you're probably female so I'll let it slide...

A wingman is a term popular amongst men between the ages of 18 and 28, and refers to the friend who is in the least desperate need of sex at the time. Before a party or an evening of clubbing, males will generally meet up at one of their friends (from here on referred to as the Boyz) apartments to get a good buzz going. This activity is referred to as pre-gaming. At the Pre-Game, the Boyz will look around and see who is in most desperate need of a hook-up, and he will get first choice at the party/club. Common sense will mandate that he selects the most attractive single female at the party. This is where the Wingman comes in. The wingman's job is to counteract the side effects of the immutable law of the Fat Friend.

The Fat Friend law states that the hotter a girl is, the fatter or more unattractive a best friend she is likely to have. This friend serves numerous purposes. Primarily she is used as a reference to how hot the Hot Chick actually is (very similar to the Optical inch us guys have...stay tuned for that in a later blog). As attractive as the Hot Chick might be, she looks 10 times better when compared to the Fat Friend (or Ugmo, depending on the situation).

This of course is a symbiotic relationship, as the Ugmo friend feels hot and popular because she is next to the hot chick, and the Hot Chick is willing to be friends with her. In return the Fat Friend/Ugmo is willing to viciously protect the hot chick from any guy that comes within 5 feet of her, shooting down advances, ridiculing pick up lines, and "accidentally" spilling any proffered drinks.

In order to get around this cock block defense, it is necessary to launch a two pronged attack against this insidious pair. I'm sure everyone has their own technique, but I know this one has always worked for me and my Boyz.

First of all a suitable wing man is necessary. Where I'm from,t he guy who is in the least need of getting laid is the best candidate. There is one in every group, the guy who hooks up almost on a whim, has two or three girls on speed dial, and has had a long term relationship in the recent past, leaving him open to some female healing, but is understood when he says he is "not ready" for another serious relationship. He tends to be the most charming guy of the group, and could probably get the hot chick by himself if he wanted. This is the guy you need on your team, because he will seduce that Fat Bitch so quick that her head will be spinning, as for your head...that depends on how you play it!

So the wingman goes first, he seduces the Fat Friend, leaving the Hot Chick defenseless to the advances of the Jackals that are swarming. Depending on the size of the group a few of the other buddies could go and hit on the hot chick...poorly. They can be incredibly rude and crass, bumbling and awkward, basically they can be themselves.

Then the designated partyer swoops in, plays it low -key, not overpowering her with charm (this should be easy because if he was capable of this, he wouldn't be the designated partyer). If it all goes well he should be getting down before the sun comes up.

Now there is a stigma to being the wingman, because you do have to seduce an ugly chick, and who wants to do that, right? Well i do...and so should you.

I have wing manned plenty of times, and it has turned out great on more than one occasion. Here's a few reasons why winging it is the way to go:

1. it's easy. You're dealing with a girl who because she wasn't blessed with beauty had to work on her brain. So she knows for a fact that everyone likes her vacuous "friend", more than her. Most likely, she hates her friend's guts, so slyly mentioning how (any insult) her friend is will be met positively. The more you two bond over how dumb her friend is, and how she's not even that pretty unless you go for that sort of thing (which you do, but not tonight...focus!), the more willing she will be to bond...physically.

now I'm sure you're thinking ewwww, that's gross why would I want to do that? I answer that question with another question. Have you ever seen porn? Of course you have. Well everyone looks ugly while they're having rough sex. And she probably doesn't want the lights on anyway, so you're free to fantasize on whatever you want to during the act. As a special added bonus you'll soon come into bright side 2

2. She's a freak. that's right, years of sexual repression have led her to develop a skill set. Any dirty thing you have in mind (and with your downloaded porn repertoire, I'm sure the possibilities are nearly endless) she has either done with a black guy, or is willing to try on a horse. You're free to play on.

Now that covers the benefit of the friend, but what about your boy, what's he willing to give you? Anything you want, as long as what you want is whatever drug you guys do together, or free beers. Now basically you're 20 something years old, so other than the sex (that you are more than adequately covered on see above), booze and joints is all you want anyways, unless your friend is good in school too because you're probably way past due on a make up assignment that he could totally help you out on.

With that being said, I think we can all agree that being the wingman is pretty sweet, because after you're sexed out, bombed and blasted off your tree, your bro for life still owes you one situation where he has to be the wingman (extra points if it's on the same two girls only roles reversed)


Cheers, first rounds on...anyone but me!