So wow, I got like, a ton of heat over my views on commitment. Apparently it's against the rules for me to write about what I want in MY column. Seriously though I had no idea people wanted to know what I bring to the table. And being as how I'm not really into having a relationship right now, I'm going to leave it mysteriously vague for the time being. One hint though, I cook like a pro, and I'm a writer (can we say random love notes in home made lunches that aren't peanut butter and jelly sandwiches).
So anyways, I was talking to the Lovely Livvy, who was nice enough to tell me she loved the last post, even though she never posts comments on the comment board, and she said to me, "Toine, underneath the funny, you actually have some good thoughts on these issues" (Note: Someone else even called me deep, man are these people missing the point :)
She wanted me to shed some light on something that had always plagued her: The beginning of a relationship, or rather the phone call etiquette that surrounds the beginning of a relationship. Some girls date guys that they speak to every day. These boys never miss a beat, at 9:30 they are calling you to discuss who they thought was great and who should go home on American Idol. Ladies...you are dating a gay man. I'm just kidding (Go Home Sundance!!!!), this may come as a shock to some of you ladies, but not all men are exactly the same. There are men who have problems with intimacy, and some that do not. There are some guys who love to spend hours on the phone, discussing every single detail of their day, or explain at great length what their hopes and dreams are, while they spend their time and minutes on you (most guys never get an unlimited phone plan, because finding out which bar they're hitting with the Boyz never takes that long). Some guys aren't as expressive on the phone.
Now there are several types of relationships that I'm going to discuss over the course of the next few articles (I was going to do them all now, but I just realized how wicked long this thing has gotten), and I'll do my best to explain the proper phone etiquette to you, what your boy is doing (or not doing) and what it means or doesn't mean.
First Date
This is going to take a bit of honesty on your part ladies. Think real hard about this. How much did you talk about your shoes? How many girls did you point out at the bar/restaurant/parking lot behind Taco Bell, only to say how slutty she looked (with disgust mind you)? How many of his advances did you shoot down, and how often did you ridicule his attempts at humour? If the answer to any of these questions is a lot, well he hasn't called you back because either A, you're a bitch, or B, because he doesn't feel you're that compatible to his nature and thinks that while you are great and wonderful and special, you're probably better suited for someone a bit more at your level. You can think it's B while you're killing that Haagen Daaz, but it's probably A.
Now if you're thinking, but Toine, I didn't even wear shoes to the date, I was by far the sluttiest looking girl in the back of the Taco Bell, the only reason we didn't go all the way is because I was on my period (for real) and why go down if he doesn't (which I totally agree with it's 50-50 in this life ladies don't settle for less, but don't expect more), and I laughed hysterically at all his jokes (it doesn't matter if they were funny or not it's like a 3 year old's drawing it's great cuz it's done), why hasn't he called me the next day?
There's no hard and fast rule for this. I always call a girl a couple of hours after a date if I don't actually accompany her back to her door. I'm a gentleman, and my mother raised me right. So just because I called the first night doesn't make it a good date, I just do that, it's how I'm wired. The next day is completely up in the air though. my best Boy in the world by far is a dude named Nick. I have known Nico since i was 5. He knows everything there is to know about me (within reason as I never go into graphic details with him unless it was really wild). I haven't called or heard from this guy in like a month. Am I mad at him? No! Is he mad at me? Hells no! We just phase in and out of each other's life, fill each other in and go along our merry way. So just because I don't call you next day doesn't mean I'm not in to you, it could very well be that I had planned something else for that evening, not knowing that you were going to so quickly become the center of my universe, and it would be rude of me to break off a previous engagement to call, and you're probably worth more than a 2 second hi and bye, so if I'm not giving you my A game, I'm not giving you any. It's not the smartest logic, but it makes sense to us guys in the moment, plus we just got a bank shot we totally called, and you don't stop when you're on a roll.
Case in point I have a date on Wednesday night. Nothing too serious, just a girly I met a month ago, who I have had a few decent dates with (including valentines day which is supposed to be a big deal but really was like a regular date for us) and enjoy spending time. I wouldn't consider her my girlfriend as of yet, but she is definitely ahead of the friendship game. Now she spent the better part of the weekend at my place, but i haven't spoken to her for more than 4 minutes since she left Sunday morning (and even those phone calls were only to set up our tryst on Wednesday). Why is this? Well because we talk a lot when we are in the same room, and text randomly to say what's up from time to time. She is a girl that uses the phone like a guy, and if I'm falling in love, it'll be with someone like that. Oh and she just got a Gamecube cuz she knows I like the games and is trying to enter my world (I know it's just a Gamecube, but she's a girl and she's trying so points for effort). As for what I do for her...well ask her. You'll know who she is, she's the one that can't stop smiling, even if you tell her her dog just died...trying to revive her dying cat...who also died...from choking on her gold fish...on Christmas morning. And when we go out to the bar together...
Cheers, first rounds on...anyone but me!
Stay tuned tomorrow for round two on the Cell Call Chronicles. After the weekend away...they away message
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Game Set Match
Well boys, I made the mistake we always do. I was talking to a luscious young female yesterday, who was giving me compliments about this column. Guys you know how this goes. Girl Says, "I love what you've been doing, keep it up" and you're feeling invincible like you can tackle anything, so you say " Thanks if you have any suggestions just let me know" and they do give you a suggestion. And it's for the hardest fucking thing you can imagine.
Think advanced calculus on crack, while you're blindfolded and being chased by a bear. I've been writing on how to get past a cock blocking ugmo, and how Sex and the City can get some sex in your city, and she says, "This is some really funny stuff, now what's your view point on commitment".
What's
Your
Viewpoint
On
COMMITMENT
Thanks a bunch Sweetheart. This is exactly what I needed right now. And some other insane rambling that makes you ladies say, "See guys are all commitment phobic asses not worth our time". Truth be told I think commitment is a fantastic idea in theory. I just don't think that I am ready for it at the moment, and neither are most people our age. And here's why:
I have committed to too much already
By the age of 23 I have had to choose the career I was meant to do for the rest of my life, I have gotten a lodging I'm responsible to live in for a set period of time. I am someones godfather, someone Else's father figure, and all the while I still need to figure out if I'm a big boy yet or not. I have this awkward feeling of being a kid playing in Daddy's suit. Most people our age have had to make adult choices while being treated like children, and it's made that for the most part, we just want to cut loose.
That's why most people that are in an entry level to a large corporation (such as myself) also know 5 different types of condoms, at least 10 different types of beer, can vividly recount one random hook-up story, and know what a gravity bong is.
How can I find someone who hasn't found themselves yet
While I agree with most people that say we are at 8 who we'll be at 80, it's also true that i am mentally much different than how I was even 3 short years ago. On a personal note at 18 I met the love of my life, the only girl I can ever say I really loved, and the person I was so certain was going to be the mother of my children that we had already named them and I dreamt of them at night. We're not together anymore, because as she found herself as a person she found out that she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. And while that was the single worst day of my life (so bad that it had to happen twice), I wouldn't change it for a second, nor would I change any thing that has happened since. Since being with her I developed a fantastic sense of who I am, and what I want with life. And every person I have been with since has also added to my growth. So I realized that by committing so early on in life, i may have been robbing myself of important life lessons.
Back in my day....
We live in a fantastic day and age, one where religious oppression has been lifted for the most part. An age where women are fully coming into their own as the true equals they have always been but were never allowed to become. An age where women assert themselves mentally physically and spiritually. This is a beautiful thing...at 30. A 30 year old woman is professional, assertive, sexually confident, and self-confident. All of this happens in the cauldron of her twenties though, where she is often neurotic, deviant, has the numbers 69 or the word gurl in her msn name, and has a tattoo somewhere on her lower back (known as a tramp stamp by some, I simply find it to be a beautiful form a freaky expression). In short they often aren't the type to bring home to mom, but are definitely the type to bring home.
Can the Boyz come over to play Mom...I mean honey...fuck it i mean Mom!
I have a few friends who have had the same girlfriend for a long period of time. I have two friends who are currently engaged, or at least they were the last time I spoke to them. Last year. Because you see, long term daters don't hang out with their single buddies, their girlfriends won't allow them to (and honestly, with good reason, because if I'm up, I'm up for trouble). LTR friends have couple friends, that do couple things, like picking for apples, or picking out china sets for their new apartment (which will be decorated tastefully and will have drapes that match the pot pourri strewn about). I don't get out of bed before noon on weekends because I am usually too hungover/I just got to bed at 9am leave me the fuck alone. And while I am moving out alone into my own apartment for the first time, not only do I not have anything to go into it, I don't plan on even getting a couch until after I have a big screen TV (which will be right away because i have sick credit at future shop). All my female friends think I'm crazy, none of my Boyz have had a single objection to my plan, other than "You had better man up and get the HDTV, cuz your Xbox has a setting for that". What a different world we live in.
So basically that's my viewpoint on commitment, when I meet the perfect girl for me, that likes to read books and play xbox, likes romantic nights in, and late nights out in seedy bars. A girl who can kiss my little Juju (my God Daughter and current full-time girly) with a loving Madonna on the rocks smile, while doing the craziest things to me the night before. A girl who appreciates the classics, Aristotle & Socrates, as well as Harold & Kumar. Once i find that that girl, I'll settle down. Until then
Cheers, first rounds on...anyone but me!
Think advanced calculus on crack, while you're blindfolded and being chased by a bear. I've been writing on how to get past a cock blocking ugmo, and how Sex and the City can get some sex in your city, and she says, "This is some really funny stuff, now what's your view point on commitment".
What's
Your
Viewpoint
On
COMMITMENT
Thanks a bunch Sweetheart. This is exactly what I needed right now. And some other insane rambling that makes you ladies say, "See guys are all commitment phobic asses not worth our time". Truth be told I think commitment is a fantastic idea in theory. I just don't think that I am ready for it at the moment, and neither are most people our age. And here's why:
I have committed to too much already
By the age of 23 I have had to choose the career I was meant to do for the rest of my life, I have gotten a lodging I'm responsible to live in for a set period of time. I am someones godfather, someone Else's father figure, and all the while I still need to figure out if I'm a big boy yet or not. I have this awkward feeling of being a kid playing in Daddy's suit. Most people our age have had to make adult choices while being treated like children, and it's made that for the most part, we just want to cut loose.
That's why most people that are in an entry level to a large corporation (such as myself) also know 5 different types of condoms, at least 10 different types of beer, can vividly recount one random hook-up story, and know what a gravity bong is.
How can I find someone who hasn't found themselves yet
While I agree with most people that say we are at 8 who we'll be at 80, it's also true that i am mentally much different than how I was even 3 short years ago. On a personal note at 18 I met the love of my life, the only girl I can ever say I really loved, and the person I was so certain was going to be the mother of my children that we had already named them and I dreamt of them at night. We're not together anymore, because as she found herself as a person she found out that she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. And while that was the single worst day of my life (so bad that it had to happen twice), I wouldn't change it for a second, nor would I change any thing that has happened since. Since being with her I developed a fantastic sense of who I am, and what I want with life. And every person I have been with since has also added to my growth. So I realized that by committing so early on in life, i may have been robbing myself of important life lessons.
Back in my day....
We live in a fantastic day and age, one where religious oppression has been lifted for the most part. An age where women are fully coming into their own as the true equals they have always been but were never allowed to become. An age where women assert themselves mentally physically and spiritually. This is a beautiful thing...at 30. A 30 year old woman is professional, assertive, sexually confident, and self-confident. All of this happens in the cauldron of her twenties though, where she is often neurotic, deviant, has the numbers 69 or the word gurl in her msn name, and has a tattoo somewhere on her lower back (known as a tramp stamp by some, I simply find it to be a beautiful form a freaky expression). In short they often aren't the type to bring home to mom, but are definitely the type to bring home.
Can the Boyz come over to play Mom...I mean honey...fuck it i mean Mom!
I have a few friends who have had the same girlfriend for a long period of time. I have two friends who are currently engaged, or at least they were the last time I spoke to them. Last year. Because you see, long term daters don't hang out with their single buddies, their girlfriends won't allow them to (and honestly, with good reason, because if I'm up, I'm up for trouble). LTR friends have couple friends, that do couple things, like picking for apples, or picking out china sets for their new apartment (which will be decorated tastefully and will have drapes that match the pot pourri strewn about). I don't get out of bed before noon on weekends because I am usually too hungover/I just got to bed at 9am leave me the fuck alone. And while I am moving out alone into my own apartment for the first time, not only do I not have anything to go into it, I don't plan on even getting a couch until after I have a big screen TV (which will be right away because i have sick credit at future shop). All my female friends think I'm crazy, none of my Boyz have had a single objection to my plan, other than "You had better man up and get the HDTV, cuz your Xbox has a setting for that". What a different world we live in.
So basically that's my viewpoint on commitment, when I meet the perfect girl for me, that likes to read books and play xbox, likes romantic nights in, and late nights out in seedy bars. A girl who can kiss my little Juju (my God Daughter and current full-time girly) with a loving Madonna on the rocks smile, while doing the craziest things to me the night before. A girl who appreciates the classics, Aristotle & Socrates, as well as Harold & Kumar. Once i find that that girl, I'll settle down. Until then
Cheers, first rounds on...anyone but me!
Sexin the City
So I have had this Column up for a few days, and I have realized something quickly with the amount of contacts I have gotten about it. One most people think it’s funny/slightly offensive, which was entirely the point. Secondly, the majority of the people reading right now are females. This is mainly because I’ve been advertising this on my personal MSN, and I have more female contacts than males. This is not to say I'm a player or anything; it’s just that with my Boyz (and with most guys Boyz) talking is not that big of a deal. I have my closest friends ever that I never speak to for more than 1 minute. Even on those conversations it’s usually, “Where’s the pre-game at”.
Women don’t understand this concept. They think that guys are borderline retarded with their inability to express their emotions and feelings. I postulate that men simply don’t stress the small things as much. But I digress.
Most of the people reading up until now have been women (and you’re all super sexy thanks for that), and they have started making allusions to another writer of a similar sort on a popular HBO show. Call me Carrie “Fucking” Bradshaw.
Boys if you have no idea what Sex and the City is get your heads out of the sand and go rent this shit. I’m not going to say it’s the best show ever made, but if you want an insight to how sex charged that girl down the street is, remember she has seen every episode twice, and feels that one of the girls on it is “So her”, and it’s never the prim and proper one. Here are the reasons why you should check out this show.
It’s actually good. This is key, because the vast majority of the things you’ll be subjected to by your potential girl are going to be excruciatingly boring. You really don’t care about her new shoes, her new scented candle, or why her best friend is a dirty whore (you might think that last one would be interesting but it always has to do with the friend’s shoes or scented candles and never anything that you might consider whorish/cool at all). Of course we even this out, because despite how much we think it is important, most girls don’t give a flying fuck about how Shaq was the heart of the Lakers, not Kobe, Why the Canadiens probably won’t take it this year but they are so due, or why the Steelers really are a dynasty. Sex and the City however is pretty cool. Sure the narrator is whiny and indecisive and spends 6 seasons harping on the same distant, emotionally unavailable punk, but news flash buddy, you’re a distant, emotionally unavailable punk, and the only reason she sticks it out with you is because this show has her believing that you will turn into the perfect man of her dreams. This show is buying you time, and you need to know why.
Seduction. There is a fine line between seduction and manipulation, and you sir are no seducer, so you had better learn to say the things girls want to hear. Luckily this show is a how-to book on just what to say. Most guys think it all has to be flowers and poetry, according to this show girls are as into the dirty stuff as we are fellas, you just have to approach them right. This show will teach you how to do that.
IOU. You bought her all 6 season on DVD, it’s about $300 bucks, and you sat with her and watched every single episode. Not only does she have to watch Heroes with you, or at least let you go watch the game with the boys, but she’s probably so into you by now that you can try anything you want (there are a few episodes on any deviant thing you might want to try, and it’s a good way to broach the subject). You will be neurotic about her alone time now though, because you know that the second she gets alone with her girls she’s going to be talking about how “you’re doing your job” (or not).
So there you have it boys, Sex and the city, it’s everything you never knew you always wanted.
Cheers, first rounds on...anyone but me!
Women don’t understand this concept. They think that guys are borderline retarded with their inability to express their emotions and feelings. I postulate that men simply don’t stress the small things as much. But I digress.
Most of the people reading up until now have been women (and you’re all super sexy thanks for that), and they have started making allusions to another writer of a similar sort on a popular HBO show. Call me Carrie “Fucking” Bradshaw.
Boys if you have no idea what Sex and the City is get your heads out of the sand and go rent this shit. I’m not going to say it’s the best show ever made, but if you want an insight to how sex charged that girl down the street is, remember she has seen every episode twice, and feels that one of the girls on it is “So her”, and it’s never the prim and proper one. Here are the reasons why you should check out this show.
It’s actually good. This is key, because the vast majority of the things you’ll be subjected to by your potential girl are going to be excruciatingly boring. You really don’t care about her new shoes, her new scented candle, or why her best friend is a dirty whore (you might think that last one would be interesting but it always has to do with the friend’s shoes or scented candles and never anything that you might consider whorish/cool at all). Of course we even this out, because despite how much we think it is important, most girls don’t give a flying fuck about how Shaq was the heart of the Lakers, not Kobe, Why the Canadiens probably won’t take it this year but they are so due, or why the Steelers really are a dynasty. Sex and the City however is pretty cool. Sure the narrator is whiny and indecisive and spends 6 seasons harping on the same distant, emotionally unavailable punk, but news flash buddy, you’re a distant, emotionally unavailable punk, and the only reason she sticks it out with you is because this show has her believing that you will turn into the perfect man of her dreams. This show is buying you time, and you need to know why.
Seduction. There is a fine line between seduction and manipulation, and you sir are no seducer, so you had better learn to say the things girls want to hear. Luckily this show is a how-to book on just what to say. Most guys think it all has to be flowers and poetry, according to this show girls are as into the dirty stuff as we are fellas, you just have to approach them right. This show will teach you how to do that.
IOU. You bought her all 6 season on DVD, it’s about $300 bucks, and you sat with her and watched every single episode. Not only does she have to watch Heroes with you, or at least let you go watch the game with the boys, but she’s probably so into you by now that you can try anything you want (there are a few episodes on any deviant thing you might want to try, and it’s a good way to broach the subject). You will be neurotic about her alone time now though, because you know that the second she gets alone with her girls she’s going to be talking about how “you’re doing your job” (or not).
So there you have it boys, Sex and the city, it’s everything you never knew you always wanted.
Cheers, first rounds on...anyone but me!
Sunday, February 25, 2007
I'm down for being the Wingman
I was talking to my buddy Bramo. A lot of my entries are going to begin like this, because well I talk to him about the most interesting things. I don't want to be one of these Emo people who write about how sweeping their floor made them sad..because the dust is DYING. I will only write when i have something interesting to say.
So I was talking to my buddy Bramo, and for some reason or another the concept of being a wingman came up. For those who don't know what a wingman is, you're probably female so I'll let it slide...
A wingman is a term popular amongst men between the ages of 18 and 28, and refers to the friend who is in the least desperate need of sex at the time. Before a party or an evening of clubbing, males will generally meet up at one of their friends (from here on referred to as the Boyz) apartments to get a good buzz going. This activity is referred to as pre-gaming. At the Pre-Game, the Boyz will look around and see who is in most desperate need of a hook-up, and he will get first choice at the party/club. Common sense will mandate that he selects the most attractive single female at the party. This is where the Wingman comes in. The wingman's job is to counteract the side effects of the immutable law of the Fat Friend.
The Fat Friend law states that the hotter a girl is, the fatter or more unattractive a best friend she is likely to have. This friend serves numerous purposes. Primarily she is used as a reference to how hot the Hot Chick actually is (very similar to the Optical inch us guys have...stay tuned for that in a later blog). As attractive as the Hot Chick might be, she looks 10 times better when compared to the Fat Friend (or Ugmo, depending on the situation).
This of course is a symbiotic relationship, as the Ugmo friend feels hot and popular because she is next to the hot chick, and the Hot Chick is willing to be friends with her. In return the Fat Friend/Ugmo is willing to viciously protect the hot chick from any guy that comes within 5 feet of her, shooting down advances, ridiculing pick up lines, and "accidentally" spilling any proffered drinks.
In order to get around this cock block defense, it is necessary to launch a two pronged attack against this insidious pair. I'm sure everyone has their own technique, but I know this one has always worked for me and my Boyz.
First of all a suitable wing man is necessary. Where I'm from,t he guy who is in the least need of getting laid is the best candidate. There is one in every group, the guy who hooks up almost on a whim, has two or three girls on speed dial, and has had a long term relationship in the recent past, leaving him open to some female healing, but is understood when he says he is "not ready" for another serious relationship. He tends to be the most charming guy of the group, and could probably get the hot chick by himself if he wanted. This is the guy you need on your team, because he will seduce that Fat Bitch so quick that her head will be spinning, as for your head...that depends on how you play it!
So the wingman goes first, he seduces the Fat Friend, leaving the Hot Chick defenseless to the advances of the Jackals that are swarming. Depending on the size of the group a few of the other buddies could go and hit on the hot chick...poorly. They can be incredibly rude and crass, bumbling and awkward, basically they can be themselves.
Then the designated partyer swoops in, plays it low -key, not overpowering her with charm (this should be easy because if he was capable of this, he wouldn't be the designated partyer). If it all goes well he should be getting down before the sun comes up.
Now there is a stigma to being the wingman, because you do have to seduce an ugly chick, and who wants to do that, right? Well i do...and so should you.
I have wing manned plenty of times, and it has turned out great on more than one occasion. Here's a few reasons why winging it is the way to go:
1. it's easy. You're dealing with a girl who because she wasn't blessed with beauty had to work on her brain. So she knows for a fact that everyone likes her vacuous "friend", more than her. Most likely, she hates her friend's guts, so slyly mentioning how (any insult) her friend is will be met positively. The more you two bond over how dumb her friend is, and how she's not even that pretty unless you go for that sort of thing (which you do, but not tonight...focus!), the more willing she will be to bond...physically.
now I'm sure you're thinking ewwww, that's gross why would I want to do that? I answer that question with another question. Have you ever seen porn? Of course you have. Well everyone looks ugly while they're having rough sex. And she probably doesn't want the lights on anyway, so you're free to fantasize on whatever you want to during the act. As a special added bonus you'll soon come into bright side 2
2. She's a freak. that's right, years of sexual repression have led her to develop a skill set. Any dirty thing you have in mind (and with your downloaded porn repertoire, I'm sure the possibilities are nearly endless) she has either done with a black guy, or is willing to try on a horse. You're free to play on.
Now that covers the benefit of the friend, but what about your boy, what's he willing to give you? Anything you want, as long as what you want is whatever drug you guys do together, or free beers. Now basically you're 20 something years old, so other than the sex (that you are more than adequately covered on see above), booze and joints is all you want anyways, unless your friend is good in school too because you're probably way past due on a make up assignment that he could totally help you out on.
With that being said, I think we can all agree that being the wingman is pretty sweet, because after you're sexed out, bombed and blasted off your tree, your bro for life still owes you one situation where he has to be the wingman (extra points if it's on the same two girls only roles reversed)
Cheers, first rounds on...anyone but me!
So I was talking to my buddy Bramo, and for some reason or another the concept of being a wingman came up. For those who don't know what a wingman is, you're probably female so I'll let it slide...
A wingman is a term popular amongst men between the ages of 18 and 28, and refers to the friend who is in the least desperate need of sex at the time. Before a party or an evening of clubbing, males will generally meet up at one of their friends (from here on referred to as the Boyz) apartments to get a good buzz going. This activity is referred to as pre-gaming. At the Pre-Game, the Boyz will look around and see who is in most desperate need of a hook-up, and he will get first choice at the party/club. Common sense will mandate that he selects the most attractive single female at the party. This is where the Wingman comes in. The wingman's job is to counteract the side effects of the immutable law of the Fat Friend.
The Fat Friend law states that the hotter a girl is, the fatter or more unattractive a best friend she is likely to have. This friend serves numerous purposes. Primarily she is used as a reference to how hot the Hot Chick actually is (very similar to the Optical inch us guys have...stay tuned for that in a later blog). As attractive as the Hot Chick might be, she looks 10 times better when compared to the Fat Friend (or Ugmo, depending on the situation).
This of course is a symbiotic relationship, as the Ugmo friend feels hot and popular because she is next to the hot chick, and the Hot Chick is willing to be friends with her. In return the Fat Friend/Ugmo is willing to viciously protect the hot chick from any guy that comes within 5 feet of her, shooting down advances, ridiculing pick up lines, and "accidentally" spilling any proffered drinks.
In order to get around this cock block defense, it is necessary to launch a two pronged attack against this insidious pair. I'm sure everyone has their own technique, but I know this one has always worked for me and my Boyz.
First of all a suitable wing man is necessary. Where I'm from,t he guy who is in the least need of getting laid is the best candidate. There is one in every group, the guy who hooks up almost on a whim, has two or three girls on speed dial, and has had a long term relationship in the recent past, leaving him open to some female healing, but is understood when he says he is "not ready" for another serious relationship. He tends to be the most charming guy of the group, and could probably get the hot chick by himself if he wanted. This is the guy you need on your team, because he will seduce that Fat Bitch so quick that her head will be spinning, as for your head...that depends on how you play it!
So the wingman goes first, he seduces the Fat Friend, leaving the Hot Chick defenseless to the advances of the Jackals that are swarming. Depending on the size of the group a few of the other buddies could go and hit on the hot chick...poorly. They can be incredibly rude and crass, bumbling and awkward, basically they can be themselves.
Then the designated partyer swoops in, plays it low -key, not overpowering her with charm (this should be easy because if he was capable of this, he wouldn't be the designated partyer). If it all goes well he should be getting down before the sun comes up.
Now there is a stigma to being the wingman, because you do have to seduce an ugly chick, and who wants to do that, right? Well i do...and so should you.
I have wing manned plenty of times, and it has turned out great on more than one occasion. Here's a few reasons why winging it is the way to go:
1. it's easy. You're dealing with a girl who because she wasn't blessed with beauty had to work on her brain. So she knows for a fact that everyone likes her vacuous "friend", more than her. Most likely, she hates her friend's guts, so slyly mentioning how (any insult) her friend is will be met positively. The more you two bond over how dumb her friend is, and how she's not even that pretty unless you go for that sort of thing (which you do, but not tonight...focus!), the more willing she will be to bond...physically.
now I'm sure you're thinking ewwww, that's gross why would I want to do that? I answer that question with another question. Have you ever seen porn? Of course you have. Well everyone looks ugly while they're having rough sex. And she probably doesn't want the lights on anyway, so you're free to fantasize on whatever you want to during the act. As a special added bonus you'll soon come into bright side 2
2. She's a freak. that's right, years of sexual repression have led her to develop a skill set. Any dirty thing you have in mind (and with your downloaded porn repertoire, I'm sure the possibilities are nearly endless) she has either done with a black guy, or is willing to try on a horse. You're free to play on.
Now that covers the benefit of the friend, but what about your boy, what's he willing to give you? Anything you want, as long as what you want is whatever drug you guys do together, or free beers. Now basically you're 20 something years old, so other than the sex (that you are more than adequately covered on see above), booze and joints is all you want anyways, unless your friend is good in school too because you're probably way past due on a make up assignment that he could totally help you out on.
With that being said, I think we can all agree that being the wingman is pretty sweet, because after you're sexed out, bombed and blasted off your tree, your bro for life still owes you one situation where he has to be the wingman (extra points if it's on the same two girls only roles reversed)
Cheers, first rounds on...anyone but me!
Friday, February 23, 2007
What the fuck do I do now?
This is the very first Toine Blog. Most of the people who will end up reading this will be friends of mine who already know everything about me. To those who don't however, allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Toine. Not really, it's actually Antoine, but I always found that to be far too serious a name for me, and so those in the know call me Toine. I am 23 years old, fresh out of University after having (mostly successfully) studied accounting for the past three-ish years. I come from a blue collar family, so it was very important for me to get my education. I'm certain a lot of people out there understand where I'm coming from. You were told your whole life that an education was Key, that you needed to get a good job for a solid company to pay your bills. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong! Because see, while I was told that education was important, I never was surrounded by the most educated people. This is not to say that they weren't intelligent, I consider my parents to be among the most intelligent people I have ever met. They simply had an over abundance of common sense and trivial tid bits of knowledge, which always made them interesting to talk to, but not Ph.D material.
In any event the point is, that I was given a goal, but no direction. I was told get a degree, choose at 16 what you would like to do for the rest of your life. I was always a practical child, and while I knew I loved writing, I probably would never feed myself on it. Therefore, I took the road more often travelled, and became an accountant.
That's not exactly true. I studied to be an accountant, I got a degree in accounting, and I got a job in accounting, but I doubt I will ever become an accountant. It's not how my brain works. I am too interested in, well, interesting things. I also have been told that I have a pretty decent sense of humour (which as of now is not evident, because this is more an introduction to what will be hopefully a much more entertaining endeavour).
How did I get from accounting to writing, and why am I writing this in the first place? That's a good question (one that I hope you are all asking because otherwise I am completely missing the point of these blogs). I am writing this as a writing excercise. I have always been a writer. I first and foremost want to write a book (the subject of the book will be the subject of future blogs), and the easiest way to get started writing is to write apparently. Vicious circle I know but into the breach I go. What made me want to write in this way? That is an interesting enough story...
I was sitting in my office pretending to be an accountant. Like most people who work in an office, I spend the majority of my time looking busy but not really doing anything. In the perfectly appropriate words of office space "I work just hard enough not to get fired". The subject of my mindless wanderings that day was a website called http://www.collegehumor.com
I stumbled upon a comic named Aaron Karo, who had a column called Ruminations. The nature of it is very similar to this. In essence he rambles on about a given theme, making very clever and often humourous observations about daily life. I was basically ruined after that. Here is this guy with a good job (he was working on Wall Street) formally educated, the whole nine, who simply packed it all in to write books and tour colleges, getting wasted and telling jokes.
I want that life.
So basically that is what I'm doing here. I am writing down things about my life. I will throw my own unique perspective on life and current events that I find relative (if you're politically minded stay away because I find Britney Spears going nuts much more relevant than Who is going to be the next President). The ultimate goal is to build up a large enough fanbase to publish a book and actually have it sell a few copies. Just enough to make me fabulously wealthy of course, I'm not greedy or anything.
I look forward to comments. if you think Im trash tell me, if you think Im awesome tell me! If you have anything that you'd like to hear me rant about, set the pins up I will knock them down or fail miserably in the attempt (either way it sounds like a good time).
My name is Toine. Not really, it's actually Antoine, but I always found that to be far too serious a name for me, and so those in the know call me Toine. I am 23 years old, fresh out of University after having (mostly successfully) studied accounting for the past three-ish years. I come from a blue collar family, so it was very important for me to get my education. I'm certain a lot of people out there understand where I'm coming from. You were told your whole life that an education was Key, that you needed to get a good job for a solid company to pay your bills. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong! Because see, while I was told that education was important, I never was surrounded by the most educated people. This is not to say that they weren't intelligent, I consider my parents to be among the most intelligent people I have ever met. They simply had an over abundance of common sense and trivial tid bits of knowledge, which always made them interesting to talk to, but not Ph.D material.
In any event the point is, that I was given a goal, but no direction. I was told get a degree, choose at 16 what you would like to do for the rest of your life. I was always a practical child, and while I knew I loved writing, I probably would never feed myself on it. Therefore, I took the road more often travelled, and became an accountant.
That's not exactly true. I studied to be an accountant, I got a degree in accounting, and I got a job in accounting, but I doubt I will ever become an accountant. It's not how my brain works. I am too interested in, well, interesting things. I also have been told that I have a pretty decent sense of humour (which as of now is not evident, because this is more an introduction to what will be hopefully a much more entertaining endeavour).
How did I get from accounting to writing, and why am I writing this in the first place? That's a good question (one that I hope you are all asking because otherwise I am completely missing the point of these blogs). I am writing this as a writing excercise. I have always been a writer. I first and foremost want to write a book (the subject of the book will be the subject of future blogs), and the easiest way to get started writing is to write apparently. Vicious circle I know but into the breach I go. What made me want to write in this way? That is an interesting enough story...
I was sitting in my office pretending to be an accountant. Like most people who work in an office, I spend the majority of my time looking busy but not really doing anything. In the perfectly appropriate words of office space "I work just hard enough not to get fired". The subject of my mindless wanderings that day was a website called http://www.collegehumor.com
I stumbled upon a comic named Aaron Karo, who had a column called Ruminations. The nature of it is very similar to this. In essence he rambles on about a given theme, making very clever and often humourous observations about daily life. I was basically ruined after that. Here is this guy with a good job (he was working on Wall Street) formally educated, the whole nine, who simply packed it all in to write books and tour colleges, getting wasted and telling jokes.
I want that life.
So basically that is what I'm doing here. I am writing down things about my life. I will throw my own unique perspective on life and current events that I find relative (if you're politically minded stay away because I find Britney Spears going nuts much more relevant than Who is going to be the next President). The ultimate goal is to build up a large enough fanbase to publish a book and actually have it sell a few copies. Just enough to make me fabulously wealthy of course, I'm not greedy or anything.
I look forward to comments. if you think Im trash tell me, if you think Im awesome tell me! If you have anything that you'd like to hear me rant about, set the pins up I will knock them down or fail miserably in the attempt (either way it sounds like a good time).
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