And in the Beginning...

So wow, I got like, a ton of heat over my views on commitment. Apparently it's against the rules for me to write about what I want in MY column. Seriously though I had no idea people wanted to know what I bring to the table. And being as how I'm not really into having a relationship right now, I'm going to leave it mysteriously vague for the time being. One hint though, I cook like a pro, and I'm a writer (can we say random love notes in home made lunches that aren't peanut butter and jelly sandwiches).

So anyways, I was talking to the Lovely Livvy, who was nice enough to tell me she loved the last post, even though she never posts comments on the comment board, and she said to me, "Toine, underneath the funny, you actually have some good thoughts on these issues" (Note: Someone else even called me deep, man are these people missing the point :)

She wanted me to shed some light on something that had always plagued her: The beginning of a relationship, or rather the phone call etiquette that surrounds the beginning of a relationship. Some girls date guys that they speak to every day. These boys never miss a beat, at 9:30 they are calling you to discuss who they thought was great and who should go home on American Idol. Ladies...you are dating a gay man. I'm just kidding (Go Home Sundance!!!!), this may come as a shock to some of you ladies, but not all men are exactly the same. There are men who have problems with intimacy, and some that do not. There are some guys who love to spend hours on the phone, discussing every single detail of their day, or explain at great length what their hopes and dreams are, while they spend their time and minutes on you (most guys never get an unlimited phone plan, because finding out which bar they're hitting with the Boyz never takes that long). Some guys aren't as expressive on the phone.

Now there are several types of relationships that I'm going to discuss over the course of the next few articles (I was going to do them all now, but I just realized how wicked long this thing has gotten), and I'll do my best to explain the proper phone etiquette to you, what your boy is doing (or not doing) and what it means or doesn't mean.

First Date

This is going to take a bit of honesty on your part ladies. Think real hard about this. How much did you talk about your shoes? How many girls did you point out at the bar/restaurant/parking lot behind Taco Bell, only to say how slutty she looked (with disgust mind you)? How many of his advances did you shoot down, and how often did you ridicule his attempts at humour? If the answer to any of these questions is a lot, well he hasn't called you back because either A, you're a bitch, or B, because he doesn't feel you're that compatible to his nature and thinks that while you are great and wonderful and special, you're probably better suited for someone a bit more at your level. You can think it's B while you're killing that Haagen Daaz, but it's probably A.

Now if you're thinking, but Toine, I didn't even wear shoes to the date, I was by far the sluttiest looking girl in the back of the Taco Bell, the only reason we didn't go all the way is because I was on my period (for real) and why go down if he doesn't (which I totally agree with it's 50-50 in this life ladies don't settle for less, but don't expect more), and I laughed hysterically at all his jokes (it doesn't matter if they were funny or not it's like a 3 year old's drawing it's great cuz it's done), why hasn't he called me the next day?

There's no hard and fast rule for this. I always call a girl a couple of hours after a date if I don't actually accompany her back to her door. I'm a gentleman, and my mother raised me right. So just because I called the first night doesn't make it a good date, I just do that, it's how I'm wired. The next day is completely up in the air though. my best Boy in the world by far is a dude named Nick. I have known Nico since i was 5. He knows everything there is to know about me (within reason as I never go into graphic details with him unless it was really wild). I haven't called or heard from this guy in like a month. Am I mad at him? No! Is he mad at me? Hells no! We just phase in and out of each other's life, fill each other in and go along our merry way. So just because I don't call you next day doesn't mean I'm not in to you, it could very well be that I had planned something else for that evening, not knowing that you were going to so quickly become the center of my universe, and it would be rude of me to break off a previous engagement to call, and you're probably worth more than a 2 second hi and bye, so if I'm not giving you my A game, I'm not giving you any. It's not the smartest logic, but it makes sense to us guys in the moment, plus we just got a bank shot we totally called, and you don't stop when you're on a roll.

Case in point I have a date on Wednesday night. Nothing too serious, just a girly I met a month ago, who I have had a few decent dates with (including valentines day which is supposed to be a big deal but really was like a regular date for us) and enjoy spending time. I wouldn't consider her my girlfriend as of yet, but she is definitely ahead of the friendship game. Now she spent the better part of the weekend at my place, but i haven't spoken to her for more than 4 minutes since she left Sunday morning (and even those phone calls were only to set up our tryst on Wednesday). Why is this? Well because we talk a lot when we are in the same room, and text randomly to say what's up from time to time. She is a girl that uses the phone like a guy, and if I'm falling in love, it'll be with someone like that. Oh and she just got a Gamecube cuz she knows I like the games and is trying to enter my world (I know it's just a Gamecube, but she's a girl and she's trying so points for effort). As for what I do for her...well ask her. You'll know who she is, she's the one that can't stop smiling, even if you tell her her dog just died...trying to revive her dying cat...who also died...from choking on her gold fish...on Christmas morning. And when we go out to the bar together...


Cheers, first rounds on...anyone but me!

Stay tuned tomorrow for round two on the Cell Call Chronicles. After the weekend away...they away message