Middling Out

Hello People,

So the comments have started getting interesting, I don't publish all of them because frankly, I can't stand spelling mistakes. Now it's true that I make some from time to time while writing this, but have you seen the length of these posts? Also I review my own work and usually do this under the influence of something, so it's amazing that I'm actually posting them, and not just banging on my desk singing "I am typing" like Ralph Wiggum (if you don't get that reference I seriously can't help you).

I'm sorry about the lateness of this post, but i was too busy getting some lovin yesterday to write anything. But my evening did allow me to have a topic to discuss. That's right, today we're talking about how awesome girls who allow you to do them in the butt are. Just kidding (but seriously this Girly rocks all kinds).

On a more serious note (well as serious as this column is anyways), we'll be continuing on the Cell Call Chronicles. Yesterday's post had to do with the frequency of calls for a new relationship are. Apparently it wasn't super clear of what we believe your expectations are. To clarify, you want us to call you the next day. Odds are we're chilling with our Boyz the next day, so we're not going to do that. If it's been longer than three days and we call you back, you're probably just a booty call. Do with that what you will. And before you start clamoring, "He was being so nice, he's a jerk who was just trying to get into my pants," think that it might not be his fault. You see, while some guys are slick talkers, and they are just trying to bone you, others are just really well mannered. Blame our mothers for telling us to be polite and always say nice things, even if you don't like the person, because that's called being a gentleman.


Now let's take it for granted that you had your date, and despite both of your obvious personal flaws, there was still enough good intentions/drugs floating around to warrant him calling you back within a reasonable amount of time. This probably resulted in another date. Now if you did not see how much of a loser he was by now, and he hasn't figured out that under your shy neurotic exterior, there is a raging neurotic interior, then odds are you might just end up settling down as boyfriend and girlfriend. Congratulations!!! You are now middling out! The problems are over, communication should no longer be an issue and you're bound to get married and live happily ever after, like everyone does with their first serious boyfriend/girlfriend. I wish I could find a way to simulate the awkward silence that would ensue after making a comment like that, but I can't. We all know what I think of settling down (if not read the post on commitment), and apparently most people are in the same boat because I don't meet that many 20 something girls who have only been with one guy. As a matter of fact at this point, I have to say the girl is a "good girl" if she can count the ones she could remember on two hands (Because spring break totally doesn't count right Samantha?).

In any event, the phone calls should by all logic increase at this point, but please ladies don't push it. Guys are not big talkers, we do well face to face, with polite conversation, and some not so polite conversation, but please don't expect us to call every single day. And furthermore, if you're with a guy that can't even talk to you when you're right in front of him, then fucking leave him. There are enough guys that you can pick up that there's no reason for you to stick to cavemen. They're called breasts ladies, and they work like Gang busters when it comes to flirting with guys.

Case in point, I was on the bus yesterday with Girly. Now she lives in Montreal, but actually comes from the same small town as me, and as such has all her doctors and dentists back home. She had a dentsist appointment yesterday, and I was meeting her up afterwards. Now I had wrapped up some work early and I knew that if I stayed in the office I was going to be Jacked with more work to do. Obviously that wasn't going to happen, so I gave her a call and said, "it's cool hun I'll go to the dentist with you and wait in the waiting room while you're done, that way you don't have to take the bus into town by yourself at night." Now I am a nice guy, and I really don't like girls taking public transport alone at night, but it helped that I had also gotten a new book so sitting around reading wasn't a problem for me (win-win is the way to go).

After the dentist, we were on the bus and Girly was going into complete details about the checkup (I can't say I followed the whole thing, but I did catch the part where the dentist said Girly had a virginal mouth. I caught that part because I almost choked laughing. When Girly clicked as to why I was laughng she had a good little chuckle too. boy if that dentist only knew...). After the check-up story was done, a friend of mine had gotten on the bus and we started shooting the breeze. Now my Boyz are cool, so he didn't make mention to the fact that he had seen me a few weeks ago with a different girl, but Girly knows who I am, so she usually lets that shit slide...for now. He asked how long we had been together, and she looked at me with the sweetest expression I have ever seen and said, "How the fuck should I know, it's been like a month, but most of the time we're not focusing". I'm not going to lie, girls who make it look like I'm a stud in front of my friends make me like them a lot more.

My buddy went into his little sotry about how his girl dropped him on Valentines Day (fucking awkward, please people don't tell me stories like this, what can I say to that?), and went on to explain how I should keep my eye on her, keep tabs on her, and basically hound her to no end. To which Girly responded without missing a beat, "Toine doesn't do that, he calls when he has something to say, or has something he wants to do. Basically everytime I see his name on my phone, I know something good is about to happen. It's not about quantity dude, it's about quality" And I knew right then and there the reason why I get wasted with her more than anyone else. Take notes ladies, you don't need to see/speak every day, but every time you do it should be a great experience, and when we hit the bar or club you'll hear me yell

Cheers, first round's on...anyone but me!