Dipping your pen in the company ink

I want to start this off by saying, I have not had any inter-office romances where I work right now. This is not for lack of women. I am blessed to be surrounded by some of the best looking women in Montreal. Moreover, they are amongst the most intelligent people I have ever met. All things considered, I am far too intimidated to try and hook up with any of these women, because frankly, I would probably want to marry them, and we all know that's not what I'm looking for. But for those of you looking to add some awkwardness to your workspace, here's an objective look at the pros and cons.

Pro: It's taboo

There is nothing like doing the wrong thing to make you feel so right. You've been in the same tight workplace for hours, meeting deadlines, helping each other out. You wallow in mutual success, you console each other in mutual defeat. And as happy as you guys are, no one that isn't in the team seems to understand. Maybe it's the long hours, bad food or overwhelming stress, but I think she was giving you the eye bro...get in there. You'll have to keep it quiet though, because once that rumour mill gets spinning...

Con: You cannot keep that shit a secret

...you are completely fucked! There is no way that shit is staying a secret. if you got it on with the hottie in the block (face it boys and girls we got out of the sand box spent tens of thousands of dollars to be put right back into a cube) you're telling all of your boys. If you hit it with the IT troll, she's mass E-Mailing everyone. Either way, loose lips sink ships, and as far as that metaphor goes, big offices are the fucking titanic in an iceberg blender. I hope it was worth it because now you're stuck dating her, or you'll look like a player, and players don't do well in an increasingly female workplace. It's like being retarded and playing one on one against Michael Jordan. You're completely dominated from the get-go. Even if they do throw you a bone and let you have a drive to the hoop now and then, you still dribble like a retard and will probably shit yourself. Now that might not make too much sense, but I like the visual, it makes me giggle.

Pro: She's close and easily accessible

Let's face it, we're overworked and underpaid. I mean, we make more than the guy's at blockbuster, but we can't come to work blazed and watch movies all day, so it really just evens out. In order to enjoy your work you need to have some benefits. And I'm not talking about dental plan (although oral attention is key). I have a friend of mine who was talking to me about quitting his job two days ago. Today he's telling me how an older woman at work seems easy prey for an extra-marital affair. His exact words were "I think she'd totally be into it, and then you should get to work on her Toine". Cuz Boyz share...even skeezez at work. Keep her warm for me Dude, I'm back in the office in 3 weeks!

Con: She's close and easily accessible

Remember that girl you banged one night when you got drunk who wouldn't leave you alone cuz she said you were the best thing that ever happened to her? OK, you remember that chick I banged one night who wouldn't leave me alone cuz she said that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. Remember about how we laughed when she called me 10 times a day. And how nervous I looked when she kept texting me? Remember how I radically changed my haircut when she sent me those dead roses? Now imagine if you couldn't avoid it cuz she worked right next to you. I haven't been with that many girls, but I know I've never been with one forever. Therefore it's my contention that the vast majority of relationships end. We all know my, "just stay friends" point of view (it doesn't happen). If you start something, and end it, it'll come around and bite you in the ass.


So there you have it boys and girls, there's some good to fucking the payroll, and there's some bad. It might seem like a fun game, but in the end, the girl gossip network will kill you. If you do all the right things, they'll spread the word that you're too good to be true, and you're a player. Result...you can't find a fucking stapler to save your life and your Internet won't work. If you do all the wrong things, you're an asshole jerk player, and your computer will occasionally disappear, as will your boss' car. Don't worry they'll at least find the keys, in your desk.


So you're fired and drinking at the bar, when you see the two guys in the back talking to the questionable older lady, that's me and my boy, working on that bonus.

Cheers, first round's on...anyone but me!