Sex and the Commentary

Back in the day when our parents wanted to bone, they had to make up lame excuses like "we're going to take a drive". With gas prices being what they are nowadays however, it's too expensive a ruse (the 13 bucks it costs to get to the corner can be better placed on booze, drugs and...tuition money?). Either way fiscal responsibility trumps parental respect any day, and most people tend to just fuck in their rooms with the TV on. I have a buddy who is really cool about it and he plays movies like The Notebook and Don Juan De Marco (which he says is like foreplay, but I think he just loves the Notebook and Bryan Adams music...which is actually really lovely stuff. When you really love a woman gives me chills and Im always happy when someone does it on AI).

Other people like my buddy Bramo put on whatever they have lying around, which if it isn't actually porn (like me) most often ends up being Family Guy. I find this to be a decent solution, but Bramo was telling me "It gets kinda distracting, because even if I have seen the episode a thousand times, I get caught up in it and start laughing at the jokes". Now this of course is a serious dilemma because no girl likes it when she's trying to do her best pornstar face and you laugh out loud. Also she'll never believe you were actually able to pay attention to a tv show while she was doing her thing, so she's going to think you were laughing at her. And if she thinks you were able to pay attention to the show, you're in shit for a completely different reason, and you'll probably never see that porn face again (and it was pretty sweet). Bram says to me, I would ideally like to have the sports highlights on. I immediately agreed, and here's why.

You need to know but it won't make you blow

If you have ever been privy to a conversation between a guy and his Boyz, you'd know that he is expected to be a veritable lexicon of sports information. He might not know when your mom's birthday is (or possibly yours...speaking of which Girly if you're reading this, and even though you said you wouldn't because you don't want me to censor my writing but I know you totally are anyways...liar, when is your birthday?)but he knows who scored the winning goals of every game in every season since he was born. This shit does not remember itself, he has to watch those highlights, and since we're in a multi tasking society, why not combine his two greatest passions?

Also it's not a very involved process because since it's only a 45 second clip, you can't get too into it, and so you'll still be able to devote most of your attention to her...and that's all she wants. Your complete and unadulterated adoration. I'm sure she realizes this is impossible, and she'll be reasonable, right?

You're so covered

On top of the shots that dropped, you'll also see the players that dropped. Luckily if you're able to keep quiet the facial expressions of a man reliving another man's pain after a bone crunching hit are the same as a man living his girl "crunching his bone(in a good way)" first-hand. However in these instances you are allowed to scream out, because your dad is probably watching the highlights downstairs and knows why you're screaming. Also he probably won't come upstairs to talk to you about it because

A) He is understanding of your privacy and knows you guys can talk when you're not with your girl

or

B) you're such an unbelievable disappointment that your father cannot meet your eye anymore, and still can't get over the fact that you cut out your head in a picture of you double fisting forties and sent it in with your application to University because it was "the most sober picture of you that you could find"

guess which one is me.

Practice makes perfect

We boyz have been watching sports since people called us sport. We know the tempo of every game, and have a sixth sense for when something big is going to happen. This is the same for the commentary, by the pitch of the announcers voice, we know when the ball is going all the way, and if you can time it just right, you can bust a nut just as the ball goes over the green monster. That's right Boyz, you just had 25,000 people cheering your orgasm! Pretty sweet, right? However If this is the first clip of the highlights and you and your girl have only been going at it for a minute, she probably isn't one of them.

oh well.


So that my friends is why you should try and keep it on sportsnet. Tell your girl that no other channel works, and if she reaches for the remote punch her, and then tell her that you love her so much and you would never hurt her, but that you're just so stressed at work and shit, and that her mom is a bitch (NOTE: Neither Toine or anyone working for Toine's Spot is involved in, or condones Domestic Abuse, and anything said that seems to cotradict this POV is strictly in the name of low brow comedy).

So when she kicks you out of your own house for being a horrible boyfriend, you know your boyz are all chillin at the Cage waiting for you anyways, and if the habs score 5 goals we get free wings. BOOM! Cuz I just dropped some knowledge


Cheers, first round's on...anyone but me!