All Good Things...

All good things come to an end. Be they relationships, or the Cell Call Chronicles. At the request of the luxuriously lavish Livvy, I discussed the etiqutte for phone calling during the beginning of a relationship. As a logical progression I moved onto the rules of engagement for couples in a steady relationship, and now as a prime example of my Psychotic need for closure, I will end on how to arrange phonecalls for people you have broken up with.

I suppose the first rule would be, if you broke up with them, don't fucking call them. It's bad enough that you made a decision for them on their relationship status, but now you're pouring salt in the wounds by checking up on them. You broke up with them because you didn't want to be with them anymore, so leave them the fuck alone.

This is a crime more often than not perpetrated by women. You seem to have this notion that you're able to remain friends after a relationship is over. You can't. And for all those girls out there who are saying, "I'm friends with some of my ex's", You're not. You probably don't see each other very often, and when you do it's probably really awkward. As a rule of thumb, if the guy you were last with has no problem that you're getting fucked by some other guy, then he's either gay, or...not straight.

If the person you're with broke up with you, don't call them...ever. Nothing says desperate better than calling someone that said they don't want to be with you anymore. Ladies you have better things to do than call the guy who needs his space. You can take that dance class you always wanted to do. Or you can take up Hot Yoga, it's just like regualr yoga, except I think only good looking people are allowed doing it (note: I know what Hot Yoag is, but that was the only way I could think to make a joke about it. Seriously it's fucking intense). Boyz, you have better things to do than call that Skeez that broke your heart (ok you're not crying it's dust in your eye. What's the "Not Gay" explanation for the song Gone by N'Sync playing in the background...Mo). You might not take dance classes, and you got too fat for yoga (spandex is NOT your friend), but you really should be investing your time trying to nail her friends. Now that might sound really petty and mean, and it fucking is, but your ex's friends are hot bro, and girls always back door their friends by doing shit like that (they're not down like the Boyz), so you might as well get back on that horse kid, or back on that whore, depending on how you look at it.

Now in the cases of these mutual break-ups (which to me are about as real as the tooth fairy, unicorns, and Dirk Diggler's wang...look it up people, Boogie Nights), why would you want to be calling the person anyways? You both came to the same realization that you don't want to hang out anymore, why would you celebrate that by talking to each other. What if he gets someone new? What if she does? Unless you have the lottery luck that you both get over it at the exact same time, odds are one of you is going to be crushed by the realization that he/she wasn't as into you as you were into them. It sucks, but it's true. Out of sight out of mind. If you are going to try and talk to them still, I suggest deleting them from your phone book in your cellphone anyways. Why you might ask, isn't that a little counter productive? Well no it's not, and stop asking such stupid fucking questions. Jokes, your questions are awesome...but seriously I explain everything eventually, so there's no need to ask anything until after the column is done.


Anyways, the point of deleting them is two fold. One, if after your deep relationship you don't know their phone number, odds are you shouldn't be talking to them anyways, so it takes them right out of the game. If you know their number dial and go, while you're dialing you have an extra few seconds to decide if hearing their voice is a good idea or not. Secondly, if you're shit faced you can't dial their whole number, even if you can dial speed dial 6 after like nine tries. Drunk dials are the worst, because you always call to accomplish a feat you are completely incapable of (an intelligent conversation, a rationalization as to why you should be together, or just plain sex. You can't do any of these things, and if you had good friends you'd never even have a phone in your hand anyways, you'd be too busy double fisting brews).

You're single, enjoy it!!! You can go wherever you want, with whomever you want (that's right ShermDog we can chill again). You can also randomly hit on every girl you see with the hopes of scoring. if this doesn't sound like a big difference from when you were attached...there's a reason you're single. Off to the Bar!


Cheers, first round's on...anyone but me!