You mean the world to me...now what's your name again?

This topic is going to go over some of your heads right now. You might still live with your parents, so taking someone home at the end of your night makes absolutely no sense. My parents were degenerates just like me, and so I basically have been doing whatever I wanted since I was nine (boy did the fun ramp up when I was 13). Basically to those of you uninitiated, the only sex you have received has been self-inflicted (and I say it like it is an injury...seriously get off your ass and get some ass) or with a steady girlfriend (which probably makes you wish you were doing yourself most of the time, at least you don't need to set the mood for yourself to get some play...even though you do anyways, because candles are fun).

To those of us who moved out of their broken homes, or moved on for higher education (a shit load higher right Bramo), or were raised by wolves like me, sometimes you meet the girl of your dreams, and like a dream, she's gone by morning. It's like Cinderella except she comes to your place at bar closing time, and is gone by 6, and she doesn't turn into a pumpkin (well there was that one time, but I was on shrooms, and it was actually a pumpkin the whole time, but we don't talk about that anymore).

So for today's installment, I'm going to explain how to set up a great one-night stand. It's not that hard, and can be lots of fun, as long as you're both consenting, trust each other and have mutual respect for each other. Because that's what hook-ups are about...respect. hmm


Location Location Location

With the exception one crazy time on the 12th floor of Concordia one night before a midterm, odds are you're not picking up too many prospects in the library, if you do you have no need for any advice from anyone because your game is already very solid. Also if you have managed to bang someone from school, in school, you have the right to brag about it at every opportunity. Seriously I tried to write it in my grandmother's 80th birthday card but I couldn't figure out how to rhyme, "She totally beejed me in a hallway" with anything nearly related to her birthday, so I just wrote it on the envelope. I'm not allowed at family functions anymore, and fuck them, empty house for me!!!

Basically if you're trying to prey on the defenseless, go where they let their gaurds down. So for the most part, leave clubs alone. That's where rapists go, and with good reason. Girls go with supergroups involving a few prowling males to keep us prowling males away. They don't drink much, they're there to dance. You'd have to dope them up to lure them away from that sort of defense, and if that sounds like a good idea to you, awesome! Just leave a comment saying that you think that's the best way to score. Also leave your full name and address there so I can tell the poli...hot chicks that want to do it with you. The best place to pick up a one night stand is at a bar. odds are if she's at a bar, she wants to get drunk. Once she gets drunk, she wants to make some bad decisions. That could be you Chief...just play it cool.

He who comes last...comes

We've all seen the guy who talks up a girl at 11:27 on a ladies night. he knows her free drinks are stopping in 3 minutes, and he's there to pick up the slack. She's pretty wrecked by this point, and'll probably make out with him. What does this shmuck do...he follows her around all night, basically bugging the hell out of her. Every girl I know has mentioned on of these guys to me...don't be this guy. Go out with your Boyz, and enjoy your Boyz. Buy yourselves some drinks, laugh about previous stupidities, as well as at the one guy at your table who will chase a girl at 11:27... If you think you don't have a guy like that in your group, You're that guy.

As an added benefit, the line, "I've been watching you all night" sort of works if the girl can do some math in her head and figure that "yeah I have been here more than 7 minutes, maybe this guy isn't full of shit" Also you have been chilling all night not throwing your game at anyone who can catch it. So if you tell her, "I wasn't planning on going home with anyone, but you seem different" she'll at least pretend to buy it, without choking on your obvious "full of shit"-ness. Guys are like politicians, girls know they're fucking lying, the one who lies best without being a total dick about it, wins.

Take her home

On the ride home (preferably in a cab because you're both pretty wrecked), don't talk too much. The less you say the less stupid things you say. Look at her, think about whether Crosby really is a new Dynasty, and you'll feel a little smirk coming to your mouth, cuz it's not possible...or is it? She'll undoubtedly ask what's going through your head, answer "the same as you babe and I'm having trouble controlling myself". be physical, make constant contact with her. Contact does not mean trying to rip into her on the cab ride home. It means touch the back of her hand, maybe her knee. Lick your lips a lot. tell her you're excited but nervous. Act like you don't do this all the time. Odds are you don't, but she does...

When you get back to your place...you should have everything you need ready. Every stop you make on the way home decreases the chance of you getting play. She's going to fuck you, but having to get condoms reminds her that she could get pregnant, or get a disease from you, that might change her mind. If she gets to your place and you're popped locked and ready to rock, she has less chance to think of the negative consequences, and is more impressed that you're responsible, thus allowing you to let the good times role (damned right I said thus)


Totally do it

if I have to explain this step to you, we're in trouble. Although many ladies will say that most guys can't work this step out. Sorry ladies, it's not that type of column (but guys watch porn, a lot)


Get her ass out the door

If the night turns to day, it's not a one night stand. She needs to be gone before the sun comes up. So plan ahead. If you get home at 3, you've got to be done by 5. Tell her that you'd love to keep her over, but you have a family member coming over to exterminate (the combination of family walking in on her being a ho, and infestation that hasn't been taken care of should do the trick). Get creative boys. This is the part where you use the brain God gave you, remember, if she stays over, you lost.


Lather Rinse Repeat

The getting her home was the lather, sending her off was the rinse, but it is possible to repeat the feat. This will not be accomplished by you giving her your number or her giving you hers. Don't even ask for it. You guys will bump into each other again. With the amount of time you spend in bars, the odds of you not seeing each other at one of 4 pubs you hit regularly are slim to nil. Using the same tactics again should work. I have no tricks for remembering names though, you're on your own with that.


Well there you have it boys, how to pick out, pick up, and pick off a one night stand. Oh and girls, if you want to succeed, go up to a boy and say "I have boobs, do you want to touch them?" It'll work every time, unless you go to a gay bar, in which case it'll still work, but the guy will mention how he wishes his were that firm, and he'll tell you he loves your shoes. So you're still doing great. So when you see me at the bar with my Boyz, you'll hear me yell


Cheers, first round's on...anyone but me!

but you know I'm not going home alone.