Idle Worship

I grew up in a small Christian town. As such there was one constant in my life: Sunday School. This is the summer camp for Christians (Jewish kids are all nodding their heads in understanding right now). Our parents never shipped us off to play murder ball for a few weeks a year, but they did send us to learn about our God. I spent hours in private tutorials with my local priest, and he put the fear of God in me the only way he knew how. Luckily at my church the Priest beat me, he kicked my ass hard (As opposed to some churches where the priest would have beaten me off and licked my ass. Actually come to think about it had a nun did that to me, I might have paid more attention during the sermon). I went every week from the age of 5 until I was 12. I could have kept going, but by that time the negative thoughts started popping into my head and my pants simultaneously, and any religion that told me I couldn’t get wasted and had to wait for marriage to have sex was not for me. I don’t want commitment now, imagine how unready for it I was ten years ago!

Before my head was firmly in the gutter, it was up in the clouds. Prior to my descent into depravity, I was pretty much a lock for the pearly gates. During those golden years I was something of a religious prodigy, and every now and then I have a backslide into religious scholarship.

The first commandment says, I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not take any before me. Basically this is one of the biggies, you don’t take the lord’s name in vain, and you don’t worship idols. I personally worried about that one from the get-go, as I am a fan of cursing (as anyone who has known me for 5 God-Damned minutes will tell you) and I have had a few idols in my day. Here’s the reasons why I think people can and should worship “false” idols

They’re there

Now while it is true that no religion has as many statues and monuments to their lord and savior as Christianity, you never get the sense that god is Chillin in the back at church. I have a 3-D poster of Superman in my room (a gift from my 4 year old nephew who thought my lava lamp and black light didn’t add enough flair to my room, and thought it was a suitable replacement for the two chicks making out poster I already had up. This has nothing to do with my Mother saying it was too obscene for a 4 year old to see), and I swear to God (there I go again), I feel like he’s going to crash into me sometime. True enough I spend a lot of time looking at it in altered states, but still in a fist fight between Jesus and Superman who do you think would win?

They need the Praise

God created the universe. He was there at the beginning, and knows how it all ends. Do you think he seriously gives a flying fuck if you say your Hail Mary’s while fingering some beads. Joe Pesci on the other hand, hasn’t made a decent flick in forever, but he was in Casino and GoodFellas, that alone should be reason enough for you to give him a ring from time to time to say, “Way to stab that Jerk-off in the neck Joe”. I know some of you are saying right now, “Dude, it was a fucking movie, he didn’t actually beat a guy with a baseball bat”. I answer that by reminding you that Joe Pesci is like 5 foot 4 and ways maybe 160 (if he let himself get fat). Would you ever walk up to him and call him a pussy? Fuck No! Joe Bless You if you did. Same idea goes for Pauly Shore, in the shitty humor department, and if you think God doesn’t have one of those, look at a platypus. Washed up celebrities need love too, and they have the kind of time on their hands to appreciate it.

They answer your prayers from time to time

I’m not saying that they actually will do anything for you, but since I haven’t woken up with superpowers, immortality, and unlimited riches, I think it’s fairly safe to say God isn’t doing the prayer answering thing either. All things considered though, I don’t think he should. He made the air that I breathe and all the food that I eat…and boobs, I think he can chill for a few eons and I’d still say he’s aces. Celebrity idols do answer from time to time. And I don’t mean that automated, “Thanks for joining my fan club” bullshit (Damn you Justin, I just want to Chill!!!), I mean an actual response.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a slacker who drinks too much, smokes too much, works too little, and hooks up often enough to give out advice without looking like a total retard. I also am funny from time to time. Well I am currently idolizing a man named Aaron Karo. He is a comedian, who is a slacker like me, except he quit his good job on Wall Street, and now writes all day long, cracking guys up like me in our cubicles, touring college campuses in the states, and macking up freshman who don’t know any better (I still never miss frosh). I was feeling particularly insightful but lost one night, and I wrote to him on his website stating that I wanted to live a life like his. He wrote me back within 10 minutes and told me to keep writing, it was the only way to make it. I was freaking out! An actual response! I wrote him back a few weeks later, telling him I started up this site, and that he should check it out.

He wrote me back this morning telling me that he was happy to see me keeping at it, and that he liked the way I went about doing this. Now he didn’t promote me on his site (which has over 50,000 members and would almost guarantee that I become popular), he didn’t tell me the secret to his success, but he did write back, and I am really happy he did.

So basically I am going to hell, I knew it was coming, I’m just waiting to see what crazy shenanigan set me over the top. It can’t be all bad though, cuz all the alcoholic, druggie whores are going to be there, and who wants to party with Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses?

So when we get to Morning Star’s Fall (which if it isn’t the name of the Devil’s bar I totally shotgun it), you’ll hear me screaming over the wails

Cheers, first round’s on…anyone but me! And leave the fucking pitch fork alone, I got the point the first 120,000 times (I only realized that was a pun when I edited this).